Do you know those moments of extreme rigidity? You probably do. What I meant is if you spot it when you are in it. Usually I can. It is a strange feeling though, you realise that spotting does not necessarily mean stopping. Your ability to switch the mood probably depends whether or not you have the possibility to take distance from mundane life to gain more perspective.
Over the weekend, my calendar was announcing some activities that qualify as relaxing and introspective: a 5-hour I Ching-reading meeting, 4 hours of evening nannying for two super-energetic monkeys, and a 2 hour Kundalini Yoga class to end the weekend. Only this morning I came to realise that I was not as peaceful as I thought after all. Certainly, calling my relationship off (for the nth time) with my ex did not help. This time I was drawing the line, freeing myself from the ties and my neediness. To my surprise things turned out to be easier than I thought, finally my neediness was gone or decreased to a manageable level. So I could relativize and remind myself that he is not the only man on Earth. I could start again, and this time it could be just easy, without pull-push cycles, lack of trust and emotional abuse. This is not too much asked, right? I can see now what were the things, emotions that were tying me to him and why they aren’t active anymore. Because they are transformed! For instance, a year ago I would enjoy being a free soul who is reluctant to commit, today I see commitment with completely different eyes. Commitment does not mean imprisonment but it feels like a natural product of a sense of trust (to oneself and to others). There are other ones that have been transformed during this last year, and thanks to our relationship! So I feel like my transformation created a gap between us, and our paths diverged. However, over this very transformation process I made peace with myself and made a big step on the path of becoming my true self. I see that everything I encountered (good or bad) was necessary and meaningful for me to be the person I am today.
Breakups are never fun; they are emotionally charged and it requires a subtle and sensitive approach not to break someone’s heart. I know it will take time to completely end this, so that both can turn the page. But I feel ready for it. Life who gives us lemons, probably offers us the tools and ingredients to prepare a delicious lemonade: a time of sweetness.
This was Monday blues, let’s see what’s on the menu for the rest of the week 😉